My New Reality – I Have Cancer

I created this blog for a few reasons.

I’ve always wanted to host my own website, although I’ve never really been sure what to actually have on it.  I’ve tinkered in the past with my own sites that came included with internet packages, but never really had a real online presence.

I also wanted to create a repository for all the soccer articles that I have written the past couple of years for The Dirty Tackle, Soccer Newsday, and Vavel.  So after about a week of uploading, most of the articles that I’ve written are now on the site.  And although I haven’t actually written much about soccer lately, it’s something that I’ve enjoyed, and figured that I could write on my own without any pressures of deadlines or making sure there is constant content.  Plus, I can write about any topic I like, whether it be calcio, Juventus, soccer, Leafs, politics, or who I think my next internet provider should be.  That’s the point of a personal blog, right?

But the sole reason that I’ve started this blog right now, is as a coping mechanism for my new reality – the fact that I have cancer.

If you’re surprised by that news, trust me when I say that no one was more surprised than me.  I mean, cancer isn’t supposed to affect young healthy people, right?  I’m not even 40, and other than a few extra pounds I could loose (and who can’t, right?!!), I’m in perfect health.  I’ve never smoked, never done drugs, and only a social drinker (although I was a lot my social in my 20s!).

I have been diagnosed with nasopharyngeal carcinoma, which is a cancer in my sinuses.  Essentially, I have a mass growing in my nasal cavities.

I’d had never heard of such a cancer.  I was devastated at the news.  I took me days to even realize that this wasn’t a nightmare that I was living.  Things like this only happen to other people.  How could this be happening to me? 

I couldn’t concentrate at work.  I would wake up at night thinking that I was dreaming, only to realize that it wasn’t a dream.

Every time I thought I was coming to terms with the diagnosis, my thoughts turned to my kids.  I have two of them; a boy and a girl, both under 5. And all this was happening this past Christmas, which is my favourite holiday, but I could barely look at them without welling up.  How are they going to live without their father? Will they even remember me?

Not going to lie. I balled.  A lot.  And had a few panic attacks.  Maybe more than a few.

But then some things started to happen.

For one, my Ear Nose & Throat specialist referred me to Princess Margret Hospital earlier this month.  I have spoken to some of the world leaders in this type of cancer.  My Surgical Oncologist has seen this type of cancer “over a thousand times”, despite it being a relatively rare type of cancer, and is one of the foremost doctors in head and neck cancers in the world.  My Radiation Oncologist is one of the most phenomenal and caring doctors that I have ever met; the amount of time that he has spent with me, answering all my questions has been incredible.  The nurses, all of the nurses (and there have been a lot), have just been amazing.  Caring, honest, and they laugh at all my jokes (I think that’s in their job description).  Mostly, though, the calmness in which they have all dealt with me and my family, and reassured us that I am in the best care possible.

Hearing that my prognosis is very good was the most reassuring news that I had heard in weeks.  That, coupled with the incredible care team at PMH, has made me realize that I can beat cancer.  That I will beat cancer.  Not just for me.  But for everyone around me, that has been, and will continue to support me for the next few months.

And that support network has been another reason why I feel better about my situation.  My family has been a rock for me, coming to appointments with me, figure out driving schedules for when I need to be driven to appointments, and figuring care schedules to make sure that people are around to help care for my kids while I’m not able to.  My work and colleagues have been so supportive; it’s unreal the lengths that they have gone to accommodate me the last month, plus going forward the next 6 months.  There is a reason that EllisDon is consistently awarded as one of the top employers in Canada, and I have always been grateful to be part of this wonderful organization.

And my friends have been great.  Being there for me, asking me if I need anything, or just checking up on me with text messages.  Your support has meant way more to me that you will ever know.

It’s going to be a rough road ahead.  I’m scheduled to start with seven weeks of radiation treatments and chemotherapy very soon.  After that, I’ll need a month to recover; to let my body recover from the toxicity of the radiation.  From there, I’ll have three more months of chemo.

The doctors have told me to try to pack on a few pounds, since with the radiation and chemo, I’m likely to lose some weight.  Conversations used to go like this in my house:

Wife: Are you eating Nutella again?
Me: Yeah why?
W: What are you, 12?
Me: Can you pass me a bigger spoon?

In the last week, I’ve had this conversation:

Wife: Do you want a Nutella sandwich?
Me: Thanks, but I don’t really feel like anything.
W: I can put it on the panini press and warm it up for you?
Me: Meh, not really…..
W: Do you want me to get you a spoon?

Seriously, talk about an alternate universe!

The next 6 months are going to be a real struggle for me, both mentally and physically.

I will have to stop working for the treatment period, which is going to be really hard.  I love my work, which for the last five years has been building a research facility for University Health Network that develops and cures diseases.  Princess Margaret is part of UHN, and the coincidence is not lost on me.

I will not be able to be very active.  For the next few months, walking is going to be about the most active I will be.  I’ll probably spend most of my days on the couch, reading, catching up on 5 years worth of movies (i.e. since my first kid was born), watching soccer, and, hopefully, writing here.  Not just about what I’m going through, but about all the things I talked about.

The hardest thing is going to be having to keep my distance from my kids.  Being young, they obviously don’t understand the situation, and we’ve been very careful in what we have told the almost 5-year-old.  He knows something is going on, probably more that I’d like to think he does.  But with my immune system compromised, and kids being full of germs, I will need to be very careful around them.  I’m used to my kids running to the front door when I come home from work, excited to see me, giving me big hugs.  Not having that for a while is going to be hard.  Any they’re not going to understand why I can horse around with them.

So I wanted to create this blog, not just to share this with you, my friends and family, but more to give me an outlet to express myself.  I think that it will help me deal with what I’m going to be going through. I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m not looking for followers, or retweets, or favourites, or any of that.  It’s about me, and helping me deal with what is coming.

Having cancer doesn’t mean it changes you.  I mean, it does change you; it gives you a different perspective on all the things that are important in your life.  But it doesn’t change the person you are; who you have been.  It doesn’t take away what you’ve accomplished.

I will beat cancer.  And I’m going to write about it here.  This is my journey.

You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live. – Stuart Scott